Do We Need to Forgive to Move On?

Forgiveness is one of those things we’re told is good for us, like drinking more water or getting eight hours of sleep. It’s framed as the key to moving on, the secret to emotional freedom. Yet for anyone who has been deeply hurt, forgiveness doesn’t feel that simple.

Maybe it’s been years, and the thought of what happened still tightens our chest. Maybe the person who hurt us never acknowledged it, never apologised, never changed. Maybe part of us wants to forgive, to be free of the weight, but another part resists because forgiving feels like saying it didn’t matter, like letting them off the hook.

And what if the person you can’t forgive is yourself?

These are the quiet struggles that sit at the heart of forgiveness. It’s not just a choice we make one day and never think about again. It’s a process, sometimes slow, sometimes painful, sometimes unfinished. Perhaps it’s not even about whether we should forgive, but whether we can find a way to live with what has happened, without letting it define us.

When pain sticks around

We don’t always get to choose what stays with us. Some hurts linger, shaping how we see the world, how we trust, how we respond to love. We might tell ourselves, It’s in the past. I should be over this by now. However, emotions will rarely follow deadlines. Sometimes we feel fine, and then something—a word, a place, a familiar feeling—brings it all back. The anger. The sadness. The injustice of it.

The hardest part? That the person who hurt you might have moved on, while you’re still carrying it. It’s tempting to think that holding onto resentment keeps us safe; that if we stay angry, we won’t be hurt like that again. However, in the end, it often ties us to the very thing we want to escape.

We may think we are protecting ourselves, but sometimes we’re just keeping the wound open.

Letting go without letting it be okay

Forgiveness isn’t about excusing what happened. It’s not about saying it wasn’t a big deal or that it didn’t hurt. It’s about deciding how much space that pain gets to take up in your life.

For some, that means understanding—seeing the other person’s flaws, recognising that they too are human, broken in their own way. For others, it means simply deciding, ‘I don’t want to be consumed by this anymore’.

But forgiveness isn’t the only way forward. Sometimes, moving on doesn’t come through forgiving, but through acceptance—accepting that the past cannot be changed, that justice may never come, that the apology you deserved may never arrive. Yet, despite all of that, choosing to live anyway, because we deserve more than to be forever tied to what someone else did to us.

The quiet work of self-forgiveness

If forgiving others is hard, forgiving ourselves can feel impossible.

It’s easy to hold ourselves to impossible standards; to replay the things we said, the things we did, the things we should have done. Maybe it was a mistake you made, a relationship you ruined, a chance you let slip away. Maybe it’s something heavier, something that still brings a wave of unmanageable emotion when you think about it.

You might believe that punishing yourself is the only way to make it right. That if you let go of the guilt, you’re letting yourself off too easily. But here’s the thing: self-forgiveness isn’t about forgetting. It’s not about pretending. It’s about recognising that you are more than your worst moment; that mistakes do not define a life. That growth is messy, and healing is not about erasing the past but about learning to carry it differently.

And just like with forgiving others, self-forgiveness isn’t something you do once and never think about again. Some days, the regret will creep back in. That’s okay. Forgiveness isn’t a finish line; it’s a choice you might have to make time and time again.

Finding your own way forward

Not everyone finds peace through forgiveness. Some hurts are too deep, some betrayals too raw. And that’s okay. The question is not ‘Can I forgive?’ but ‘How do I want to live?’.  Do you want to stay in the story of what was lost? Or do you want to make space for something new?

Forgiveness, when it happens, is quiet. It is not about making peace with the person who hurt you. It is about making peace with yourself. And if forgiveness never comes, then peace can take another form—through acceptance, through meaning, through refusing to let the past hold all the power. So, in the end, moving forward is not about pretending the past didn’t happen. It’s about deciding that it will not control what happens next.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s enough.

If you find yourself struggling with forgiveness or acceptance, counselling can help you move forward by providing a safe space to explore your emotions and reframe negative thoughts. A counsellor can guide you in processing past hurts, developing empathy, and letting go of resentment. Through tailored techniques, counselling fosters healing, acceptance, and a greater sense of inner peace.

To find out more about how The Spark can help you enquire online or call us on 0808 802 2088 during opening hours.

References:

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