There are many names for it: having an affair, being unfaithful, cheating, committing adultery, infidelity, straying, betrayal. It comes in many forms: sexual or emotional, one-off or repeated, online or in-person.
Regardless of the term or the form, the impact is undeniable: a devastating blow to a committed partnership. Trust is shattered, leaving both partners reeling with hurt, confusion, and uncertainty about the future.
Counselling can provide a safe space for open communication, rebuilding trust, and deciding whether the relationship can be salvaged.
You can talk to The Spark in confidence on 0808 802 2088 during our opening hours. Or complete an enquiry form and we will call you back at a suitable time.
In this section, you can find answers to common questions about infidelity and affair recovery and how counselling can help.
What is infidelity?
Traditionally, infidelity refers to a romantic, emotional or sexual relationship out with a monogamous relationship. It tends to involve secrecy and can be a one-off occurrence or may last years which may add to the feelings of betrayal and hurt.
Every couple will have different boundaries and expectations in their relationship so in some respects, infidelity will look different for everyone. For example, you might have an open relationship sexually, however, if you become emotionally involved with another person, your partner might feel betrayed.
What is an emotional affair?
Emotional infidelity can be difficult to define, however, basically, if you become emotionally involved with another person and are withholding details from your partner, you could be having an emotional affair. For example, are you meeting someone you are attracted to in secret? Are you exchanging messages you don’t want to share with your partner? Do you spend time dreaming about what it would be like to be with the other person? If so, you might be having an emotional affair. If uncovered, the consequences for you or your partner can be just as devastating as a physical affair.
How might you respond to infidelity?
Infidelity can have devastating consequences for both of you. If you have been betrayed, you might:
- Experience shock, disbelief, anger and/or sadness. You may even become emotionally flooded, feel out of control and behave in ways that are not in your character.
- Ruminate over the betrayal and ask the same questions repeatedly; even if you have heard the answers. You might even imagine things that didn’t happen.
- Find it hard to function, concentrate or cope with daily life.
- Have difficulty eating, sleeping and/or have nightmares.
- Question if you did something wrong.
- Fluctuate between feeling love and understanding your partner to detesting and resenting them.
- Lack trust in every other area. (If they could cheat, what else are they not telling you?)
- Have times where you block it out and pretend it didn’t happen.
- Worry about what other people will think.
- Use maladaptive coping strategies like throwing yourself into work, drinking too much etc.
When infidelity happens, most people consider the feelings of the person who was betrayed. However, if you are the one who had the affair, you may also be struggling. You might:
- Become consumed with guilt, shame and remorse.
- Experience low mood, anxiety or low self-esteem.
- Have difficulty eating, sleeping and worrying about the future and/or your partner’s mental health.
- Still have co-existing feelings for your partner and the person you cheated with.
How can you identify unacceptable responses to infidelity?
Any behaviour that is physically or emotionally abusive, controlling, or isolates you from those who care for you, controls your movements, or threatens to tell people without your consent (like your employer or children) is unacceptable. Those decisions should be made jointly, and even though you or your partner might be hurting, it’s important to remain as respectful as possible.
How can counselling help with infidelity?
Infidelity can have a devastating effect on your relationship. You may both experience a range of intense emotions and communication may become difficult, especially in the early stages.
Having a trained counsellor help you navigate this difficult time can be invaluable and can help in many ways including:
Providing a space where you can process the pain, resentment, and anger.
It might be difficult for you to express negative emotions individually or as a couple. Processing these is an essential part of healing from infidelity.
Helping you understand why this happened.
This is the most common question asked by people who have been betrayed. It is also common for the person who cheated to feel confused about what led them to infidelity which may anger the other person.
Helping identify boundaries.
Often, we enter relationships without having open conversations about our boundaries and expectations.
Exploring unmet needs.
It might be difficult for you to ask for your needs to be met in a healthy way. You may therefore look for those needs to be met elsewhere.
Helping you grieve the old relationship and negotiate what you both want for the future.
In the past, it was deemed shameful to leave a relationship. The new shame is in deciding to stay. However, infidelity might mean you decide to end the relationship. Working through this with a counsellor can be helpful.
Helping you rebuild trust.
This might feel like an impossible task if you have been betrayed. Exploring forgiveness and rebuilding trust will take time and commitment. Your therapist will help guide you through this.
Improving communication.
Your therapist will give you techniques and tools to help improve your communication.
Helping bring understanding to each other’s inner world.
As humans, we view life through our own unique lens. This can make it difficult for you to understand your partner but also, you may feel lonely if you are not understood. Exploring this in counselling can help you feel connected to your partner.
Exploring relationship sabotage.
Do you or your partner have a negative core belief that is unconsciously impacting your behaviour? For example, you may believe you are not worthy of love or that relationships don’t last. This may lead you to unconsciously sabotage your relationship to confirm your belief.
When is the best time to have couples counselling for infidelity?
The initial period following the disclosure of infidelity can be stressful and full of heated, mixed emotions. Having a counsellor support you, allow you to express your feelings and encourage healthy communication and strategies to cope can be very helpful. Research shows the sooner you engage in counselling, the fewer sessions you will need and the better the outcome for both of you.
It’s not uncommon for counsellors to recommend individual counselling for one or both of you before engaging in couples’ work. It could be that unresolved issues from the past are highlighted and some individual therapy might be beneficial. You are likely to be invited back for couples counselling after.
Human beings are complex and make mistakes. It’s worth knowing that although betrayal is painful and difficult, many couples report having a stronger relationship after and go on to have a deeper, happier relationship. This might seem impossible for you at the time. Engaging in counselling can strongly support you in the process.
What can couples do to help following infidelity?
Here are some tips to help you navigate the fallout from infidelity out with or between counselling sessions:
For the person who had the affair:
- Answer any questions honestly. Your partner may ask the same questions repeatedly. It’s important to remain patient and not shut your partner down.
- Take some time to honestly reflect on what led you to the affair so you can help your partner understand.
- Take responsibility for your actions. While there may be complicated reasons that led you to the affair, it’s important you take responsibility.
- Ask your partner what they need from you when upset.
- Try to understand your partner’s feelings. They may be in shock and need time to process what has happened.
For the person who has been betrayed:
- Find a safe way to express your feelings.
- Avoid abusive behaviour. It will only make you feel worse and damage the relationship further.
- Consider carefully who you trust if you wish to confide in someone. Having support is important but those who care for us may not always be objective. Judgement and opinions can fuel an already difficult situation. Sometimes later, embarrassment from others knowing intimate details about your relationship can get in the way of repairing the relationship.
For both of you:
- Take time to yourself and engage in self-care.
- Talk to people who will support you in a non-judgmental way.
- Begin to discuss boundaries and your needs in the relationship.
- If you have children, remember that even those very young pick up on changes in your behaviour, voice, atmosphere in the house and may feel confused or insecure. Seek support with children, if you are struggling.
- Remember to breathe. Venting and heated communications don’t help. Take a little time to consider what you want to say or what you need and how to find the best way to communicate this.
- Discuss together being supported in counselling to have difficult conversations.
The Spark will be closed from 9pm 19 December until 6 January 2025. We will respond to your enquiry on our return.
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