Feeling anger can be healthy emotion, it can sometimes be how we cope with anger that may not be good for our wellbeing.
It is natural to feel angry towards people, places, and things when we believe we are being treated badly or unfairly. We can also direct this ire towards ourselves if we break or own principles and values. If, however, your reaction to anger is causing you or others harm indirectly or directly, then we can help you look at this in a safe place.
Talk to The Spark in confidence on 0808 802 2088 during our opening hours. Or complete an enquiry form and we will call you back at a suitable time.
In this section, you can find answers to common questions about anger and how counselling can help.
What is anger?
Anger is an emotion which exists on a continuum from ‘miffed’, ‘irritated’ or ‘annoyed’ to ‘rage’, ‘fury’ or ‘apoplectic’. It is completely natural for you to feel degrees of anger. It may feel like a strong urge to protest, involve feelings of pain, vulnerability, fear, abandonment, sadness or hurt.
What causes anger?
There may be many reasons for you to feel anger. They will be different for everybody and may depend on your personality, situation or previous experiences.
Some examples of what may cause you to feel anger are:
- a breach of your boundaries, challenge to your values, or injustice
- an indication that a problem needs to be solved
- a sign you are in danger and therefore may help to keep you safe by activating the stress response (i.e. the fight aspect of fight, flight, freeze or fawn)
- a natural response to daily stressors, however, it may be important for you to understand when your ability to tolerate the natural daily stresses of life is diminished and therefore your anger is telling you to engage in self-care
- masking another emotion. i.e. you could be reacting to being hurt, embarrassed, threatened, or scared
- a natural part of the grieving process
- a situation that reminds you of something that upset you in the past; what is known in counselling as a ‘button’ or ‘trigger’
- a need in you which is not being met, for example, are you hungry, lonely, overstimulated or tired
- chronic, physical pain
Certain mental health conditions, personality disorders, hormonal fluctuations, or medications can make you more susceptible to anger. Chronic illnesses or terminal diagnosis may make you angry as you cope with the realisation of a loss of the future you thought you might have and come to terms with your diagnosis.
When is anger healthy?
It is completely normal and may even be good for you to feel, acknowledge and express anger. If you can communicate it in a healthy way, you should feel you have made your point effectively and not feel guilt, embarrassment, regret, or preoccupation over the event afterwards. The feeling of anger should resolve once the situation is over and you should feel heard, safe, and respected by others but also have a sense of self-respect.
Some of the benefits of expressing anger healthily are:
- better boundaries and protection of your values
- challenge of injustice, political and societal issues
- attending to a problem
- motivation to take action to solve a problem
- motivation to change unhealthy habits
- improvement in mental and physical health
When is anger unhealthy or problematic?
Anger may be unhealthy and even detrimental to you or others if it:
- becomes vindictive or vengeful
- harms another (either physically, verbally, psychologically or emotionally)
- attempts to gain power over another
- leaves you feeling bad about yourself
- involves disproportionate responses to situations.
- becomes passive aggressive (i.e. avoiding direct communication or confrontation by either using sarcasm, back-handed compliments, picking at faults, stonewalling, making excuses rather than saying no or deliberately sabotaging situations)
Long-term, unresolved anger is linked to health conditions such as high blood pressure, depression, anxiety and heart disease.
Are you turning anger on yourself?
When we think of anger being problematic, we often think about over-expression or aggressive behaviours. However, if you don’t express anger, it may be directed inwards and turn into depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, eating disorders, social isolation, substance misuse or self-harm. You may have learned over the years that anger is not “acceptable”, or maybe it wasn’t or isn’t safe for you to express feelings of anger. If you can identify with any of this, it may be helpful for you to engage in counselling.
Signs you may need help with anger
It is also important to recognise when over-expression or lack of expression of anger, is causing problems in your life and know when to seek help. For example, if:
- you are using alcohol or drugs to suppress anger or substances are making it difficult for you to control your anger
- anger is impacting your job or relationships
- you don’t feel in control of your anger or feel uncontrollable rage
- your behaviour is becoming abusive, violent, controlling or putting you or others at risk
- you feel guilt, shame or your anger is impacting your self-esteem
- you regularly forget or regret what you say in anger
- you become preoccupied with angry or negative thoughts towards others or yourself
- you frighten yourself or others
- you are self-harming
- you feel unable to express your anger
How can counselling help with anger?
If unhealthy anger is becoming problematic, counselling may help you identify your emotions and understand the root cause (past or present). It can help you find ways of coping with your anger, changing your behaviour and taking action in your life. Messages you learned in childhood may make it difficult for you to maintain boundaries therefore unhealthy anger (expressed externally or internally) may be a problem for you. Alternatively, your anger may be due to unprocessed emotion from the past, such as unresolved grief, bullying, abuse, abandonment or neglect.
Lastly, unhealthy anger may have been modelled by those around you as you grew up and therefore you adopted the same pattern of behaviours in life and relationships. It also could be that you grew up around people who praised angry outbursts or violence and therefore it became part of your identity.
Your counsellor will listen in a nonjudgmental way, help you identify the source of your anger and, process feelings around past or present events. Your counsellor may also:
- discuss coping strategies and self-care such as breathing exercises or meditation
- teach you healthy communication strategies
- help you identify triggers
- help you recognise bodily sensations
- encourage you to foster relationships where you feel free to express your anger healthily
- help you change your behaviours
- help you find a healthy way to express anger
What else can I do for anger?
Some useful tools to help you deal with anger in the moment:
- recognise you are angry, pause and take a deep breath
- remove yourself from the situation
- focus on what is around you; try listing 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste
- carry a grounding object such as a piece of cloth, pendant, small stone or ring
- call someone you trust for support
- recognise tension in your body and mindfully relax
- engage in physical activity such as walking or housework
- channel the anger safely, for example punch or scream into a pillow
- write down your angry thoughts
Engaging in self-care daily can increase your tolerance levels and make you less likely to feel anger. Here are some examples, however, you will know what is helpful for you:
- be in nature
- exercise regularly
- get enough sleep
- eat a healthy, balanced diet
- drink plenty of water
- practice relaxation techniques such as meditation, yoga or mindfulness
- try journaling or art to help you express your feelings
- surround yourself with people who care for you and you can be honest with
NHS Inform has a problems with anger self-help guide that is based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) that you can work through on your own.
The Spark will be closed from 9pm 19 December until 6 January 2025. We will respond to your enquiry on our return.
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